I really enjoyed this. I was definitely one of those people who didn’t particularly like children before having my own 😂
Now, with two kids, I’ve learnt that children are allowed to exist in public spaces, and parents are allowed to have hard days. Kids can be loud and messy, and sometimes we’re all just trying to get through the day. A little more grace on both sides would go a long way.
And I completely agree that choosing not to have children is just as valid. We’re all living different lives, and there’s no need for everyone to make the same choices.
When my son was young, I would get dirty looks and exasperated noises from others almost everywhere I went with him. It felt as though people expected parents of young children to lock themselves at home indefinitely so that no one else would have to be bothered with the inconvenient reality of what we all were before we became adults. My employer chastised me when I had to work 7-3 instead of 9-5 for parenting reasons, even though this had no impact on my workload, and as though his business should be more important to me than my own child. Anyway, thank you for writing this, and for addressing this topic at all. I love the idea that we should not judge others for their decisions about whether to become parents or for the fact that the vast majority of young children don't just sit there and "behave."
"the inconvenient reality of what we all were before we became adults" !!
Hate that you were criticized at work -- often I hear that fathers are given more benefit-of-the-doubt when they shoulder a significant amount of the parenting load, so this is a good reminder that the world doesn't exist in absolutes.
I really appreciate your perspective and your willingness to share. Thank you!
I loved this piece! My oldest will be 32, she's my bonus baby, in October. My bio baby will be 30 in December and my youngest will be 23 in January, so as you can see, I am old. I used to catch a lot of black for having kids in spaces, but also everyone in my spaces had kids after a while. I never had a village and I agree, it is absolutely necessary. I would have died to have an absolutely normal Mama, Ive been no-contact with mine for about three years now, and so has my youngest. I feel sorry for us, there are days where it sucks bc even now someday I just want to be able to call my Mom. Breast Cancer has sucked ass, having a chronically I'll daughter has sucked and oh so many more things.
I have a friend who wanted a child but didn't have a partner, so she chose to become a single mother using a sperm donor. At first, I had a pretty intense reaction to her decision to voluntarily parent alone but when I sat with my impulse to reject the life she was choosing, I realized my discomfort wasn't about her choice. It was about how deeply I'd internalized the idea that the nuclear family is the default.
The truth is, a shit ton of women raise children without meaningful support from their husbands, even when those husbands live in the same house but I don't have a visceral reaction to them the way I had with my friend because they *look* like the family structure I've been taught to admire.
I feel like your asking the question I've spent a lot of time asking which is: *Do I actually want the 1950 nuclear family, or do I just want the aesthetic of it?* because I know I want kids, but I'd be lying if I said I've fully unpacked why.
So much here. I've been watching this series (Try Guys produced lmao) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaUsGT7tU-U which really gave me a perspective I hadn't considered prior.
Respectfully, there are a lot of other factors you’re not considering here. When one chooses to become a single mother by choice, she’s not choosing between a “traditional” family and a non-traditional one so much as she’s eliminating the possibility of a biological father being in the picture entirely. You can use similar logic and say “well lots of women raise kids by themselves without the father’s support, why can’t she?” But the truth is, single motherhood is not something that should be aspired to—as an educator, I see the effects of single parenthood on children every day. I can tell you with 100% certainty that outcomes are usually better for kids who have 2 parents involved in their lives, even if one of them may not be contributing as much as they “should.” Sperm donor babies also have a class issue attached to them because they are most often had by women with lots of resources to raise a child on her own. That of course does not eliminate all risks that come with it (I.e. who takes the kid in if something happens to the mother).
I really enjoyed this. I was definitely one of those people who didn’t particularly like children before having my own 😂
Now, with two kids, I’ve learnt that children are allowed to exist in public spaces, and parents are allowed to have hard days. Kids can be loud and messy, and sometimes we’re all just trying to get through the day. A little more grace on both sides would go a long way.
And I completely agree that choosing not to have children is just as valid. We’re all living different lives, and there’s no need for everyone to make the same choices.
This aligns with my train of thought almost completely! Gotta give grace.
And thanks so much for engaging with my work - means a lot.
When my son was young, I would get dirty looks and exasperated noises from others almost everywhere I went with him. It felt as though people expected parents of young children to lock themselves at home indefinitely so that no one else would have to be bothered with the inconvenient reality of what we all were before we became adults. My employer chastised me when I had to work 7-3 instead of 9-5 for parenting reasons, even though this had no impact on my workload, and as though his business should be more important to me than my own child. Anyway, thank you for writing this, and for addressing this topic at all. I love the idea that we should not judge others for their decisions about whether to become parents or for the fact that the vast majority of young children don't just sit there and "behave."
"the inconvenient reality of what we all were before we became adults" !!
Hate that you were criticized at work -- often I hear that fathers are given more benefit-of-the-doubt when they shoulder a significant amount of the parenting load, so this is a good reminder that the world doesn't exist in absolutes.
I really appreciate your perspective and your willingness to share. Thank you!
it doesn’t really matter !!
ugh. i loved this whole piece. i don’t have much to add except that i think this whole exploration is so worthwhile ❤️🔥
Well let's keep exploring shalllllll we
This article was written with an open mind! Thank you. :)
appreciate this! thanks for reading :)
I loved this piece! My oldest will be 32, she's my bonus baby, in October. My bio baby will be 30 in December and my youngest will be 23 in January, so as you can see, I am old. I used to catch a lot of black for having kids in spaces, but also everyone in my spaces had kids after a while. I never had a village and I agree, it is absolutely necessary. I would have died to have an absolutely normal Mama, Ive been no-contact with mine for about three years now, and so has my youngest. I feel sorry for us, there are days where it sucks bc even now someday I just want to be able to call my Mom. Breast Cancer has sucked ass, having a chronically I'll daughter has sucked and oh so many more things.
can’t wait to read
I have a friend who wanted a child but didn't have a partner, so she chose to become a single mother using a sperm donor. At first, I had a pretty intense reaction to her decision to voluntarily parent alone but when I sat with my impulse to reject the life she was choosing, I realized my discomfort wasn't about her choice. It was about how deeply I'd internalized the idea that the nuclear family is the default.
The truth is, a shit ton of women raise children without meaningful support from their husbands, even when those husbands live in the same house but I don't have a visceral reaction to them the way I had with my friend because they *look* like the family structure I've been taught to admire.
I feel like your asking the question I've spent a lot of time asking which is: *Do I actually want the 1950 nuclear family, or do I just want the aesthetic of it?* because I know I want kids, but I'd be lying if I said I've fully unpacked why.
So much here. I've been watching this series (Try Guys produced lmao) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaUsGT7tU-U which really gave me a perspective I hadn't considered prior.
Respectfully, there are a lot of other factors you’re not considering here. When one chooses to become a single mother by choice, she’s not choosing between a “traditional” family and a non-traditional one so much as she’s eliminating the possibility of a biological father being in the picture entirely. You can use similar logic and say “well lots of women raise kids by themselves without the father’s support, why can’t she?” But the truth is, single motherhood is not something that should be aspired to—as an educator, I see the effects of single parenthood on children every day. I can tell you with 100% certainty that outcomes are usually better for kids who have 2 parents involved in their lives, even if one of them may not be contributing as much as they “should.” Sperm donor babies also have a class issue attached to them because they are most often had by women with lots of resources to raise a child on her own. That of course does not eliminate all risks that come with it (I.e. who takes the kid in if something happens to the mother).
I read some posts from r/regretfulparents and some of them really saddened me 😭